It’s one thing to write about the fun, good things in life. It’s beautiful and easy. I think that’s the word: easy. It’s easy to share the fun times, the pretty pictures, the laughs, the adventures, and the recipes that turn out the way you want them to. It’s easy to share those things because it’s easy to be honest with the good stuff. But what about all the other moments not captured in a picture, or when you have a day (or multiple) of being at home with low energy and hope. Or sitting on the bus going from one thing to the next. Those things aren’t as easy to share. Why? I’m not sure. I want to dedicate a post to share about some of the other times outside of the adventures and picture perfect moments, because life is a lot more then the right captured moment.
Recently I decided to take a step back from school and take some time to rediscover who I am and my callings, to heal from brokenness and rest. It’s been weird because I’ve always had a plan. I’d like to think I’ve been good at keeping my ducks in a row, but recently it not only feels like they aren’t in a row, but many have disappeared. The things I held so close were suddenly gone very quickly, and that was scary. It still is scary, and I’m learning how to face into my own fears and brokenness.
In this season I’ve been working through my fear of inadequacy. In almost every area of life I have discovered this fear so present; in school, in relationships of all kind, in work, in family, and in my relationship with God. Each one has its own caveat, making it challenging to process. But it’s the same fear, and it’s one completely false. It hurts to feel that you don’t measure up to standards of another person or a system. However, it’s been very recent that I’ve realized this is my own fear, one I can actually choose to face into and say “no!” to, and choose to say “yes” to who I actually am: worthy and blameless and pure by the grace and love of God. He not only heals the wounds and breaks down the barriers I’ve put up to protect myself, but He actually strengthens my heart through His healing power to make the lies bounce off rather than hit deep.
We live in a world of hurt, one with deep brokenness, pain, disappointment, and fear. It’s extremely overwhelming sometimes, too, when the reality of it hits deeper than we want it to. I’m walking in a season where these realities hit deep in my heart, affecting my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. It’s been a season of having a spotlight on all my weaknesses and my strengths hiding in the darkness. And as a follower of Christ I’m called to boast in my weaknesses, rejoice in suffering, consider it joy when you face trials of many kind… but it’s so hard sometimes. There have been many days and still days where I curl up in bed and weep from the difficulty of living brokenness, fear of inadequacy, and feeling like I’ve failed at everything. I’m scared of the future, the next steps to take, and ultimately that God doesn’t hear my cries and He won’t answer my prayers. But there have been a few phrases from scripture, songs, and sermons that have remind me daily of God’s faithfulness, goodnesses, love, and loyalty in fulfilling all His promises. The only thing He calls me to is to actually trust Him with all my heart.
“In this world you will face trials of many kind; but take heart, I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
“In order to have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, you have to surrender your right to completely understanding” -Todd White
“You taught my feet to dance on disappointment” -Amanda Cook (Heroes)
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“You were the one that I was thinking of when I rose from the grave” -Steffany Gretzinger (Out of Hiding)
“He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work in us” -Ephesians 3:20
And if not, He is still good.
I’m not sure if this touches or encourages anyone, but I do know that God’s work is one to be shared no matter how joyful or difficult it is to go through. I’m still struggling to walk confidently in faith and see myself as worthy, but always trying to remember that nothing is worth it if it’s not for the glory of God. He works everything together for good. May this little snippet of my story right now at the very least remind you that God’s always at work and He cares deeply for your life.
You are loved, you are worthy, you are valued.